While out shopping, you may not have a want or need for every product on the shelf, but chances are, you can at least understand why the items exist in the first place.
Every now and then, though, you see a product and wonder how in the world the higher ups—all donning pressed suits and perfect ties—could ever approve that. These are the items with functions so strange that the only place they belong is in a dumpster.
Some of the items below may be nothing more than translation errors, but some of them are products that actually received the go-ahead from high-level executives—and you’ll be scratching your head as to why…
1. The Snotsucker: If you can say one thing for certain about babies, it’s that they’re going to have snotty noses, and, being that they’re babies, they’re going to need a hand with that. For some reason, though, it seems like there might be a few better methods for handling baby boogers than sucking them out with a straw.
2. Logins & Passwords Wallet: “How can I make the loss of your wallet even more devastating than it already is?” thought this item’s creator. Forget about just cancelling your credit cards; now if your wallet gets swiped by some sticky-fingered pickpocket, you’ll be up all night logging into your private accounts and changing your passwords—if you can remember them in the first place.
3. Frozen‘s Olaf Snow Cone Machine: Yeah, it might be fun for your son or daughter to make a snow cone with the help of the adorable Olaf, but you have to admit, this is just a bit sinister. To enjoy a frozen treat, you basically have to pull the guts out of this snowman. And then eat them. As he smiles.
4. Unicorn Horn for Cats: Ever wish your cat just had a little bit more magical hurumph? Now you can just plop a unicorn horn on his head and call it a day. And in case you weren’t sure about the utility of this product, rest your racing mind. The packaging assures you—assures you!—that your cat will love it. Sure…
5. Urinal Tea: Somewhere out there, a group of very talented marketing directors and assistants debated for hours what to name their hopefully-successful tea. Just guessing, but one marketing executive likely came up with the name in the men’s bathroom.
6. Snowball Maker: Just like left-handed footballs, car blinker fluid, and buckets of steam, you’d imagine that a snowball maker would be nothing more than a prank item dads send their kids searching hopelessly around a store for. But no, a company out there actually produces an item that complicates the process of reaching down and grabbing some snow.
7. Stealth Sun Screen Flask: Yeah, you may be the lucky son of a gun who gets his or her alcohol past security, but don’t be surprised when you later end up in a psych ward because people assumed you to be feverishly chugging sunscreen.
8. Beer Gut Fanny Pack: If you weren’t born yesterday, then you know without a doubt that fanny packs and beer guts are so totally in right now. Nothing says “going through a rough patch” like slapping on one of these bad boys and pulling out a lukewarm brew for the road.
9. Fancy Chicken Poop Lip Gloss: There’s one pickup line sure to win the hearts of any man or woman out there. Simply apply this product to your lips, lean in real close to a prospective lover’s ear, and then whisper, “I’m wearing poo poo on my lips.”
10. Pimple Piercings: Maybe this is an April Fool’s Day joke from years’ past that really cuts deep into the psyche of all cosmetic enthusiasts. If not, Skin B5 has some serious ‘splainin to do.
11. Butt Heating Pads: Maybe this product won’t be so bad on those cold and lonely winter nights or to those with chronic butt coldness. Still, you have to wonder here if the implication of the package design is that your butt will come out smelling like fresh autumn leaves. If that’s the case, maybe the market is bigger than originally thought…
12. Bird Deterrent: Too many birds around your house? Can’t get a moment’s peace thanks to the pigeons on your windowsill? Rumor has it, if you play this CD, you’ll experience the joy that is 15-straight hours of looped cat meows—but you’ll be singin’ “Bye Bye Birdie.”
13. Privacy Mask: You know, it’s hard to have a conversation in peace nowadays when you’ve got the CIA, NSA, FBI, and that kid Jason from down the block spying on all your communications. Thankfully, this mask is here to keep your dialogues muffled and you looking like the victim of early-14th century torture methods.
14. Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt: If you’ve ever been so attached to someone in spirit that you feel it’s only right you’re attached physically, look no further than this sweatshirt. You can trap your significant other at your side for all eternity.
15. Heavy-Duty Manicure Set: This manicure set has all you could ever need for keeping your hands in tip-top shape. After you’ve ripped your nails off with the pliers, you can dig away all that pesky dried blood with the flathead screwdriver while using the box cutter to… uh… fight anyone who tries to stop you?
16. Face Mask for Ants: This product is perfect for those with deep concerns about skin care and an itty-bitty face. For every one else, don’t expect much more than a deep cleaning of your nose, but hey—maybe you can try it out on the family cat?
Now those were some zany products. Do they work? Maybe. Do they have you scratching your head, wondering why oh why? Most likely…
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